Moving forward.......by taking a BIG step back

Ironman South Africa - DNF

Most people who I know are aware that Ironman South Africa was my first DNF (Did Not Finish). I still find it hard to even write that phrase without getting a lump in my throat.

Why?

Because lets face it, Ironman is incredibly important to me, but there are other things in life. My health is one, and although I ended up in the medical tent on a drip, I came out of it all O.K. Pete is, in my life, far more important than Ironman. He can laugh about his DNF. He moved on within a day or two. My family and friends and their love and support, which were never more apparent than during this episode. And my career, which appears to be blooming before my eyes; almost it seems without me trying.

Which really neatly brings me to why I just haven't accepted this DNF yet, and why I never will. I BELIEVED in myself. Probably more than ever before, in terms of a race. I worked really hard in the prep. Ticked every box, ate right, slept well, had our life organised to a tee. I stood on the start line (at the front) and said  "you can win this age group, go and get it."

It didn't work!

What ensued was a good swim, then the most horrendous example of bad pacing ever seen in an Ironman bike leg! I still don't exactly know why I did it. I will justify the overpacing to some degree, as the first half of the course was very hilly, with some climbs of 11% for 2-3km. You can't stay below a certain intensity when you are out of the saddle in bottom gear! But I kept pushing ALL the descents (because I thought that was where I would save time) and also on the flat.




Some stats for those interested:

I estimated my FTP to be about 210W tapered, I hadn't tested it since August, so was riding more by feel.
Overall bike average power = 147W
First 60min = 172W
First half = 159W
Second half = 137W
TSS = 394.4

Clearly I rode a 60min Time-trial, then blew up! I can kind of laugh about that, and if that was what I had planned, then great. But I am pretty sure, since I was eating and drinking as I had planned for the optimally paced race that the massive dehydration I experienced, and the trip to the medical tent was because I rode at so much higher intensity than I should, that my needs were not met by my intake.

Lessons

And so they say you learn from your mistakes, and knowledge is power, etc, etc, etc.

That might be so, but usually in my mind, that would mean you are able to regroup, set new goals, and go forward. However, what this race has done for me is given me a different lesson.

I have realised that following my success in France, and racing Hawaii, I have striven ever since to be that same level of athlete. I have trained, eaten, planned like an elite, squeezing my PhD in around that. For this prep we gave up a lot of our other interests - the cinema, eating out, weekends away, red wine! We just focused on "getting it right". I dragged myself to the gym every friday night, because I wanted to address that "final 5%".
And yet I finished my first 2 ironmans, in respectable times off far less organised preps. I finished Ironman Los Cabos, a really tough race in 11.36, 10th in my category off an extremely limited prep.

So I realise that it's no good striving for that "last 5%" if you don't get the "bottom 95%" (which includes race day pacing) right first! And part of that bottom 95% HAS to be my love for the sport. Anyone who knows me, knows how passionate I am about it. I am also incredible goal-driven, and while the passion was ignited by the thought of finishing an ironman, it was kept alive by the drive to excel, to be the best I could be. That included going back to Kona, but was mainly around time goals, or placing high up in my Age Group.
But first and foremost for me Ironman is about crossing that finish line.

So where to now? 

My biggest fear through all this was that I would fall out of love with the sport. I will be brutally honest about myself. I have moved away from sports before, when I have felt that I've reached a plateau, dictated by my ability. I was an 800m runner at school, and after qualifying for my county (like state) and being royally trounced at the inter-counties event, I moved on to hockey. Got to N. Wales U18 level, but no further, moved on to rugby. Played for my country, but never got to go to a World Cup. Quite a similar pattern. 

My motivation for doing triathlon was purely for the personal challenge it presented. Now, I'm at this point, where I have set out to do something on the bike that I was just not capable of. Even on my best day in that race, I would have been hard pressed to have challenged the podium-getters.  Do I repeat my past behaviours, and move on? 

No I won't.

It all means too much to me. I have said I want to be doing this sport when I'm in my 70s. That is part of the appeal for me. But if I keep driving myself to achieve something that is beyond my capabilities I will just be frustrated and burn out.

My first "goal" is to pursue events or sessions that I know I will enjoy. That means doing some running races with no time goals, or medals to chase. There is a cross country winter league that involves handicaps and relays that we used to compete in which will provide just that (and lots of hills and pain, in a good way!)

Also, I love riding hills on the bike. That was what led me to enter Ironman France in the first place. So we already have a weekend planned in Mansfield, and I'll take the bike for a nice climb up Mt Buller while I'm there. 

My second goal is to continue to inspire. I have had several people (some of whom I look up to myself, others who I only know through friends) who have told me only in the last few weeks that I inspire them. I find this hard to believe. But from what I can gather it is because of my obvious passion and enthusiasm for the sport. Several people in the northern hemisphere have said that my pictures of me training keep them going through their cold wet (or snowy) winters. This MAKES me want to carry on! We are a really close community in this sport. I have so many friends around the world because of the sport. I would never want to lose that.  

But what about Ironman?

Back on the horse

I really believe that if I want to move on and keep my love for ironman alive, I need to do another one, not for a PB, or to podium, but just to finish.

So we are going to race Ironman Malaysia on September 27th. 

It will be very hot, very humid, and to complicate matters on the bike, there are "monkey zones". Yes monkey zones! Where you are not allowed to eat, in case the monkeys (rabid) try to attack you! That will make finishing the bike an achievement in itself!! 

My race plan? Drink a few cocktails on the beach (ok, maybe AFTER the race!) 

Swim to enjoy my recently acquired swimming ability!! (Non wetsuit swim - should give the ladies with better buoyancy a chance!)  

Bike - EXTREMELY conservatively (maybe wave at the crowds, but not the monkeys?)

Run - To finish. Smiling! I owe my race shoes 38km after they only got to do 4km in South Africa.

I will continue to blog occasionally. It will be a challenge approaching this race more conservatively, but I believe it is what I need to regroup and continue my love for this crazy sport! 

I can't begin to put into words the gratitude I feel for all my friends, family and their support. You all know who you are. Also to my coach Sean Foster. I desperately want to be one of his "high performance" athletes. But hopefully my enthusiasm and passion can inspire new athletes in the club to move up and take that place.  And of course Peter. My rock. He is even more excited about Malaysia and the monkeys than anyone could imagine! What a life!